The Library Vault

If you know me in real life, you probably know that every time I have a real life problem, I find targeted books to help me solve it. The books have to be relatively recent (within the last 10ish years) and written by or in partnership with experts or specialists in whatever the field happens to be. The method really works for finding solutions, if you find the right books by the right authors.

Probably my most long-standing problem is one I know I share with many American families: we’re too busy. There isn’t enough time in the day to do everything we want or need to do. So what’s the solution? Well, the answer will vary by family because the particular problems vary by family. But there are excellent books in existence written by reputable authors that can help your family find solutions to your problems.

Problem: There are so many decisions to be made about raising school-aged kids, and often so many choices about where to put your limited time and energy.

Solution: Emily Oster‘s The Family Firm (2021)

This is a super-practical book for modern families. Dr. Emily Oster (Ph.D. in Economics, Brown University) is my goddess for evidence-driven family solutions. Despite being a Harvard alum descended from two Yale professors, Oster is always very funny and down-to-earth. She includes many hysterical and self-effacing personal anecdotes in all her chapters, reminding readers that even the best of us aren’t perfect and face real parenting challenges.

 If you don’t have time to read the whole book at once, you can cherry pick chapters based on the issues currently facing you today. The Introduction is mostly about what the data says about when your child should start school (an issue particularly affecting ‘Ber Baby’ parents here in Connecticut). There’s a chapter just about how much sleep your school-aged kid needs. There’s one about “Childcare and Parental Work” that is realistic and not pie-in-the-sky. One chapter focuses on child nutrition. One chapter focuses on parenting styles. Another chapter looks at how to choose a school. Yet another chapter focuses exclusively on extracurriculars, answering questions like ‘How much do extracurriculars matter?’ and “How much is too much?”. There’s even a chapter just about getting your kid a phone. Throughout the book, Emily Oster remains approachable, practical, realistic, and entertaining.

Problem: One of the caregivers in your family does the majority of the chores and planning in the house.

Solution: The Manager Mom Epidemic by Dr. Thomas Phelan

I love, love, love that this book was written by a man with a doctorate in child psychology who gets how much moms in our society do, and wants to fix it. Prior to this book, we knew Dr. Phelan best for his mega bestseller and #1 one child discipline book 1-2-3 Magic. The combination of these two amazing, life-changing books make me wonder on an almost daily basis, Why hasn’t he won a Pulitzer yet?! Same with Emily Oster, truly. Both authors have had huge positive impacts on my family’s daily life.

Both The Manager Mom Epidemic and 1-2-3 Magic are extremely practical, simple, and hands-on. Both books have specific, targeted chapters for different problems and scenarios. Both books offer effective solutions for real family problems. The introduction of The Manager Mom Epidemic reads so powerfully about the current state of mothers in this country that I think it should be required reading in college classrooms.

If you’re not a woman or not in a traditional family, don’t worry. You are included in the book. Dr. Phelan makes a point of being inclusive. In non-traditional families, different caregivers often find themselves cornered into traditional roles. That can affect families of all shapes and sizes, including ones with grandparents as primary caregivers, same-sex couples, single parent families, and every other configuration out there.

Examples of my favorite chapters from The Manager Mom Epidemic include:

• The Equal Suffering Law: Moms vs. Dads
• Children’s Independence vs. Chronic Supervision
• Homework: A Manager Mom Case Study
• The ABCs of Responsibility Transfers
• Mom’s Declaration of Independence
• Can a Seven-Year-Old Do His Own Laundry? (Answer: yes!!)
• Getting Up and Out in the Morning
• Eliminating Primary Childcare with Tweens
• Guerilla Warfare with Resistant Dads
• Cooking, Food Shopping, and Housecleaning

Those are just a few of the chapters I found useful as a working mom. Even my husband loved this book and references it frequently. The final section of the book has a chapter on each age group and talks about how to prevent these unequal situations from developing to begin with. I reread The Manager Mom Epidemic yearly, as my kids get older and the situations change.

Some of the most useful chapters in 1-2-3 Magic include:

• Orientation to the Parenting Profession (yes, there IS actually a manual for this craziness!)
• Challenging the Little Adult Assumption
• Avoiding the Two Biggest Discipline Mistakes (don’t you want to know?!)
• Getting Results Through Counting
• Disciplining Your Child in Public
• How to Handle Sibling Rivalry, Tantrums, Pouting, and Lying
• Recognizing Six Types of Testing and Manipulation
• Establishing Positive Routines
• Cleaning Up and Chores
• Surviving Suppertime
• Tackling the Homework Problem
• Going to Bed – and Staying There!
• The Dangers of Over-Parenting
• Staying Consistent

I’ll argue that the last chapter, Staying Consistent (Ch. 23), is the most important. Kids need structure and consistency (I’m not making this up, Dr. Phelan talks about it a lot). You can have the perfect disciplinary system in your home, but if you’re not consistent, it won’t work. I highly recommend trying these books out in your home by checking them out at the library. Keep them in your kitchen or dining room, or wherever the conflict happens most in your home, and whip them out for easy reference and guidance when your kids are acting up. After you learn to love them, buy copies to keep FOREVER, or until your kids go to college. Then pass them along to your younger friends, who will definitely need them.

Don’t have time for books? You can watch quick 3 Minute videos by Dr. Phelan based on his advice in his books. Dr. Phelan has become such a cornerstone of modern parenting techniques that you will find his works referenced in many, many other books about parenting. That includes Emily Oster’s The Family Firm. Now if that’s not a good recommendation, I don’t know what is.

Good luck out there.